I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
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Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My dog learned how to text
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.