People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
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I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Admin smashed it 😂
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.