My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
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I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
describing stardew valley
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.