It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it