Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You Might Also Like
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen