Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
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My blood type is coffee.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Liquor Store Parking
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I have never related to a cat more
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.