I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Children of the corn 🌽
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”