U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
You Might Also Like
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything