COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.