A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*