Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
You Might Also Like
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.