Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave