JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
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Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.