[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
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[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Hero horse inspires millions
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8