Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat