me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
this is 10/10 content no notes
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend