Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.