Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
ACED my prostate exam!
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.