“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one