Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
North and South
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.