its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Mistakes were made
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.