When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.