Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
You Might Also Like
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
the simulation is moving too fast
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture