I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Every house has this drawer
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*