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Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.