Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
You Might Also Like
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.