Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
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i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.