*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
A game married people play.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble