In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
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Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
ACED my prostate exam!
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.