My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My life coach traded me.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.