Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.