I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.