Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.