At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Who chose this font
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest