Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
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Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.