“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*praying for world peace*
God:
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
first you must answer his riddles
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Clients after you give them your rates
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me