[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
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Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
🙂🐾
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.