Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?