In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.