A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
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[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Is….Is this an option?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time