Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Natural selection at its finest
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.