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Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Omg 🤣
Personal question. #JustSaying
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)