[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.