Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
You Might Also Like
he’s doing your taxes
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do