[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.