Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky