nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
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they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Message from the dog groomers
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.