In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
#math
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.