the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
*pronounces patio like ratio
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.