*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
the prophecies have been fulfilled
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?